Fantastic Four mini review

fantastic-fourwhat happens when there’s more than one cook in the kitchen ? things are bound to get messy and the food might taste bad. that’s the problem with the Fantastic Four reboot. when the owners of a restaurant (“the suits”, the Fox studio executives in this case) think they can cook better than the chef (writer and director Josh Trank), things are bound to go south. and it’s not as if this studio is at its first attempt to hone in on the creative decisions of a filmmaker trying to do his job.

these executives probably woke up one morning and thought of themselves as filmmakers and started pulling all the strings to get things working their way, trying to copy paste the successful Marvel magic formula. but what they can’t seem to grasp is the fact that Marvel has an army of people trained in the art of turning comic books into highly successful blockbuster movies.

so on with another origin story for these four not so fantastic science loving kids. it’s not a novelty that almost half the science fiction movies out there are so keen on trying to be as intricate and complex as possible, but most of the times they ignore the 3rd grade science that is spitting them in the face. thus, Fantastic Four borrows a lot inspiration from the science and fiction of Ridley Scott’s Prometheus. the scientists are not that bright. actually far from it. they’re just actors trying to play the part of scientists, but that does not exonerate them from raising their hands and asking a simple question like: “aren’t we smarter than this ?” or “is this safe ? are we even supposed to be doing this ?”. truth is when travelling to another dimension, on a planet one has no knowledge of, one does not climb down from steep valleys into a crater of sinister green like rivers of energy and insert your hand in it, hoping nothing would happen. just like that retard scientist in Prometheus who thought it was safe and cute to pet a white snake with wings that emerged from a creepy black goo, or just because the readings say the oxygen level is ok, one does not simply take off his helmet on a remote planet where no man has ever set foot before. so does Victor von Doom, arguably the one with the highest IQ in this group, who chooses to make the film both aggravating and infuriating to watch. like Scooby-Doo and his gang, this group of scientists go looking for trouble. there is no sense of peril when they are the ones seeking it.

the problem is that the origin story takes so long to unfold, that by the time the movie actually starts, it’s also 15 minutes close to ending. that’s when the main villain is revealed. Doom looks menacingly cool as he goes apeshit and things get loud and bumpy. and once again, like a dozen superhero movies before it, the danger is highlighted by (spoiler alert) a bright light in the sky that spells DOOM (pun intended) for our planet.

not sure how many of the rumors are true, but the final film shown on screen looks as if the main course burnt to a crisp and what we were served was a dish comprised of uncooked leftover scraps. this film has been trashed so much and it’s been called many bad names by all the american critics, but the film is not the worst disaster in the history of superhero cinema. i’ve suspected this from the beginning and i stand by my conspiracy theory that the money grubbing, money loving sleazeball Marvel machine has made a dick move and paid off the press to clobber the film so hard as to push Fox studio into selling the Fantastic Four rights back to Marvel.


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