Gods of Egypt (wtf review)



Cristian Pagu

OH MY GODs of EGYPT!!! There is a new game called Gods of Egypt which can be played without joysticks and no advanced video cards. The game is rendered quite nicely with lots of decent but sometimes awful and messy graphics and if i didn’t know better i would go so far as to say the characters almost seem real. I mean it’s as if the creative minds behind this new game hired real actors to “act” the game.

All jokes aside, the impossible has happened. CGI gluttony has devoured and consumed itself and from the anals of Hollywood, the birthplace of everything from fake to plastic out came Gods of Egypt. There is nothing in the womb of time that shall ever be compared to this cinematic cruelty, this abomination that has clearly signaled the 11th plague of Egypt.

Long ago, in a distant land, in a parallel universe called Hollywood, filmmakers and producers and studios gathered around a CGI campfire and decided to make an epic film about Egypt. Such a pestilence cannot be described. It can only be experienced. It is a kill it with fire type of film without a sense of irony which is perpetual throughout the film since people seem to burst into flames or spontaneously combust like Super Sayan Gods.

The thing is that in high school i went through a nerdish Egyptology phase and although most of that knowledge has slipped away from my cerebrum i still know some stuff. The experience of watching Gods of Egypt can only be described as someone bashing my head against a rock yelling at me that history is shit. Hollywood is what’s cool.

There is no single trace of shame in depicting an entire civilization and culture by casting an army of white actors playing Egyptians and adding a few other million digital white extras to populate the screen and further enhance this transgression which is meant to offer an experience of Ancient Egypt. These so called gods are twice the size of normal people, they have liquid gold poring through their veins and can transform in shiny and sparkling terminators that can spring wings and fly like superheroes.

First of all, Horus is played by Nikolaj Coster-Waldau who is very much Danish and very much blond haired. That is double XXL white caucasian. Gerald Butler is Irish. Still white. Geoffrey Rush again white, Elodie Yung is delicious but again white, and a good 98% of actors are white, white, white… so much racial white washing my eyes are bleached to their very core. Then there’s Hoth … God of Wisdom. They made him black and exceedingly gay. Wisdom and knowledge are not gay.

The charming Gerald Butler takes center stage but does not give a rat’s arse. His determination to act in this film is reduced to a brand new technique i like to call “chair acting” or “couch potato acting”. He shows up on set after 12-14 pints of beer and pretends to act normal, like he does in real life but in front of the camera. Then there’s the supporting character, a no-name and we don’t care who he is actor playing a blond version of Aladdin with no flying carped that keeps whining about his 16 year old innocent porn star girlfriend who spent too much money on breast implants.

Meanwhile, the all mighty powerful Ra is played by spontaneously combusted Super Sayan like Geoffrey Rush who personifies a bald giant the likes of Yoda. He hovers aimlessly around the Earth on a space ship lassoing the sun and spanking the night for trying to eat our world. Baffled much? Don’t be. The humor is worth it though.

This CGI magnum opus seeks out to give you headaches but laughter is the best medicine. The humor and the stupidity that unfolds here is a miracle cure for this cancerous film that has a script mostly composed of bla-bla-bla… words, words, words, words … then boring words, then more CGI bla-bla-bla.

There was a point during the second act where I thought I would give in and lose the battle with patience and good sense. I triumphed however in making it safe and sound to the 3rd act which was the best mind bending, visual humor drug inducing part.

Do not wander in dismay if you recognize elements of Clash of The Titans. Fear not, for Gods of Egypt has released its own Kraken. Everything looks like an oversaturated CGI Egyptian Barbie doll living in an Ancient Egypt Barbie World. Life in plastic is really not at all fantastic. There’s so much more to this film. So much bad CGI it will make your eyes rot. If there is such a thing as a CGI Garden of Eden and a CGI Hell, then all the sins of this film have condemned it to endless torture, pain and suffering in the Hell of CGI. To infinity and beyond. No mercy and 10000 lashes for cinematic rape!

And if that is not enough, there’s one scene that will be worth all your money. The Guardian Sphinx demon uttering “Bollocks” is a raised leg so as to urinate on a fascinating civilization and its colorful rich history.

Beast be gone!


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